Photo by Susan Q Yin on Unsplash
I often hear the intense level of frustration or disappointment from guys about “losing” their erections while they’re with a partner. They tell me about how they feel like less of a man. They talk about feeling betrayed by their penis and their body. I hear about how they feel pressured by some of the masculine stereotypes of performing sexually. I’ll hear from clients that they feel like they’re losing hope and they talk about how they’ve “tried everything and nothing works.”
Most of all I hear about the embarrassment or shame of not staying hard during sex and oftentimes avoiding sex altogether to stay away from those feelings.
One way to work against this is to normalize to yourself and a partner that erections, just like the human spirit, goes up and down. And that’s okay.
Wax and wane does just this…
Follow this process by yourself or with a partner. Either way, it should be fun right? This isn’t homework, this is y’all exploring the different aspects of sex.
Begin by masturbating slowly. Allowing your penis to become fully erect.
Once erect, let go of your penis and allow it to naturally deflate until soft.
Wait thirty to sixty seconds
Masturbate again until fully erect
Repeat this process four times before you allow yourself to orgasm.
Totally doable, right?
An important part of this process is to take slow and deep breaths, and try to work on your frustration or disappointment. Just notice what’s going on.
After all, it’s okay to have your ups and downs.
Consider wax and wane sex
Wax and wane sex involves the exact same techniques of wax and wane, but involving other sexual acts with a partner or partners, like vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex, or many other things if you get kinky with it. With the right partner, you can have a fantastic experience of prolonging your sexual play while challenging your own sexual shame.
If you want to learn more about mindfulness approaches to sex and anxiety, check out my workbook “Sex Worriers”.
To listen to my interview on Erectile Dysfunction Radio where I talked about Wax and Wane, click here.
If you’re worried about how your anxiety is killing your sex life, Sex Worriers is right for you!
With easy-to-follow self-guided prompts to try solo and partnered erotic exercises, you’ll learn the proper mindfulness techniques to get you feeling sexy and present with your partner.
Use ROUSE10 to get 10% off!
Want more help??
Learn other approaches to your sex anxiety with our educational workshops:
Stay tuned for some exciting updates on my practice and future offerings!
David Khalili, LMFT is a sex therapist in California offering sex and relationship therapy via telehealth. To learn more, click here.